Kudos Brian, kudos.

This is Brian's eulogy? for Steven.

Growing up Steven Andrew Mortinson always dreamed of being elf. His one wish would have to be for the entire world to turn in to a gigantic forest area for him to go on elf adventures in.
He had a loving family and hating brothers. His brothers hated him o much that they threw him in front of oncoming traffic. Steven narrowly escaped everyone of his brothers foolish attempts to kill him. One day Steven’s older brother Jerry Lewis learned the ancient art of Ninjitsu and taught it to Steven. Steven was very grateful for his brother’s teachings and decided to take out his angry on Eric.
Eric was a very sophisticated banker type and wore suits regularly. He found that he could overpower Steven with his wits and muscle. Eric was altogether a jerk. Although he had his parents fooled in to believing he was the perfect son and that Steven was a demon spawn of Satan. That is why Steven lived in a cardboard shanty in the basement next to the washer dryer combo.
Steven’s ninja training had proved to be successful. Stevens rage was all built up and was focused on Eric.
While Eric was sitting in the living room conjuring up plans that could be used against Steven, Steven was lowering himself from the ceiling. With a knife in one hand and the rope supporting him in the other. Quickly Steven jabbed the knife in to Eric’s neck. Eric collapsed into the glass coffee table that was filled with poison so he was for sure to die.
Just them Steven’s mom Aunty Em walked in.
Oh my god what have you done exclaimed Aunty Em just look at my coffee table cant I have nice things.
Steven was in a nervous wreck. There was only one thing to do kill Aunty Em. I know it sounds dastardly but he had to do it so he threw his ninja star in to Aunty Em’s neck piercing the jugular. Blood began to shoot out. Steven ran outside and hide in some bushes the cops had showed up and it’s a good thing Steven was in his ninja uniform or else the cops would have definitely spotted him.
With Eric and Aunty Em dead how could Steven live with himself. There was no way he could go back to school. So Steven gathered what he had and started to stealth fully walk around town looking at telephone poles and bulletins looking for somewhere he could go to forget about his horrible life.
A vast! A wanted ad for the traveling circus. Steven was home free. All he had to do was join. Good thing Steven knew how to eat fire or else he would’ve had to be the bearded lady. And good thing cause Steven couldn’t grow a beard.
While in one of his acts a big business talent scout from big business America had been watching Steven. He had heard about his inability to grow a beard. While watching the show Steven had slipped up and caught his face on fire. But he had no hair on his face to keep the fire going so the fire quickly went out. Furthering the proof that Steven couldn’t grow hair on his face. The big business talent scout from big business America had found Steven’s dressing room and had been patiently waiting for Steven. Two and a half years later Steven showed up.

“It appears to me that you are un able to grow a beard.” Said the big business talent scout from big business America.
“Why yes sir that’s the truth.” Replied Steven
“Well the modeling company a know of is going for the naturally hairless look.”
“Wow really” said Steven “I’m hairless you could use me.”
“I know.” said the big business talent scout from big business America “And that’s why I want you for the new underwear ads.”
“Well I do have buns of steal.” replied Steven
“Oh yes you do.” said the big business talent scout from big business America
“Well when do I start?” asked Steven
“Right now!”
Just then modeling music came on and Steven stripped down to his boxers. Steven continued to live the fancy life as a model. Cruise ships, helicopters, midget wrestling, and cherry filled chocolates. Yes he was doing good for himself. He had almost forgot about his life back in Memphis. Where he killed Eric and Aunty Em. This thought always snuck up on Steven.
While during a shoot in Las Vegas Steven was feeling horrible. He felt like he had stuck a red hot cactus up his nose and dropped a ten pound bowling ball on his toe. He needed to unwind and spend lots of money.
He went to a sleazy casino and started to bet money. The waitress came by and gave him an entire bottle of vodka Steven drank that down within a matter of minutes. By now he was nice and liquored up. Now Steven felt like lady luck was on his side. He was up fifty dollars and down four hundred twenty two and fifty three cents. In a slurred state of mind he stumbled upon a homeless man.
This homeless man said hey buddy?! Do you know what the square root of 9 is?!
Steven replied “Of course I do.”
The homeless man then said “Well if your so sure then why don’t you bet your entire savings on it?!”
“Alright I will said Steven.”
“Well what is it asked the homeless man.”
“Its 3.333.”
“Oh no your wrong the square root of nine is 3.”
“You tricked me you tricked me!!!” screamed Steven
“Yar yar yar!!!” said the hobo
It turned out that Steven had lost all of his money to a pirate disguised as a homeless man.
“Blast you pirates blast you!!” Said Steven
Steven was woke up in the middle of an alley the next morning. His white tuxedo was dirt bag filthy stained with whatever was on the ground urine, fecis, and trash. But mostly urine.
When he got back to his modeling studio everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him.
‘What what’s your problem I’m human I’m allowed to make mistakes.” said Steven
“Its not that.” they all said “Its that….well….your face…you have a five o’clock shadow!!!
Dum dum dum!!!
“Oh no oh no why god why did you make my face become hair full?!”
Steven sobbed like this for hours on end.
Later Steven was fired because his was no longer hairless. Now penniless and homeless Steven began to wander the streets of Las Vegas looking for work but no one wants to hire a washed up model who has hair on his face. Steven wandered into an alley way and looked back on his wasted life.
Just then a rich banker type man walked up to him. He had scars on his face and a knife sticking out of his neck.
“Do you know who I am?”
“No I don’t recall.”
“I’m your brother Eric does that refresh your memory.”
“No not really can you give me another hint.”
“I’m your brother that you thought you had killed but really I’m alive now.”
“Oh now I remember.”
“Well I’m back and I’m ready to seek vengeance.”
“Alright.”
Eric grabbed Steven’s lifeless body and put it in the back of his car. He drove onto the freeway reaching speeds of twelve thousand miles per hour. Eric scaled the side of his car reaching for the back of the trunk. But Eric slipped on the slime that came off of Steven’s tuxedo and fell onto the pavement smashing his skull into the ground. Eric was still a live though. And then his car ran over him squeezing his head in between the pavement and the tire. Now Eric was dead.
Steven had just awoken when he heard the slamming of Eric’s body being smooshed into mush. Steven could now escape the car had come to a complete stop and the trunk had been unlocked there was even Eric’s suits in his car and 4 million dollars. Steven had enough to re do his life and start over fresh. But the only thing was that Steven was gagged and tied up . His arms and legs were tied together and Eric had poked out Steven’s eyes previously. And now a semi truck was hurling its way towards Steven. The truck came to a scorching halt. The driver came out of his truck and started to untie Steven when a big bear came out of the woods and ate Steven’s leg and the driver. Now Steven was blind legless and gagged what worse could happen. Well a zombie virus had broken out and started to reign over the entire world now Steven laid helpless in the back of a car bleeding profusely from the leg and now zombies were coming they all started to eat Steven. To bad Steven was the only thing alive and not a zombie because nine million four thousand two hundred and fifty seven zombies were feasting on Steven’s warm flesh. Just as Steven was about to die a large zeppelin crashed into Steven and began to burn Steven alive. Now Steven had flesh eating zombies that were on fire eating him.
So Steven’s story now comes to an end. He lived luxuriously and homelessly. But no matter what he was always happy. Kudos Steven. Kudos.